Dear Margo: I just started my dream job. (I literally used to dream about working at this particular establishment when I was a child.) Now I’m in a bit of a jam. There’s a man I work with, indirectly. He is higher up the chain. I was chummy with him the first few weeks (purely platonic), and he had a big birthday bash. I was invited and wanted to come, but I fell ill and could not make it.
During one of our talks, I told him I was going on a cruise with my family and would be stopping by a special place in Mexico that’s owned by a rock star. He happens to be a big fan of this musician and begged me to bring him back a shirt. I said sure and that I’d give it to him as a birthday present to make up for my absence. Long story short, we ended up not going to that side of Mexico, and when I let him know, he sent me a link to where I could order his shirts. (He picked out two.) I told him I couldn’t afford this.
When I came back from the cruise, he instantly asked about his shirts. I got embarrassed and said I had ordered them (lie) and that there had been a mix-up (lie again) and would be a delay (lie). I am usually a blunt and honest person, so I have no idea why I lied. The point is that I am really too broke (being a full-time student who only works part time) to buy this guy shirts and have them shipped from Mexico to where we live in Europe. But I lied and told him I would. How do I get out of this without losing face at my place of work, and how do I avoid these types of situations in the future? — Lies Are Expensive
Dear Lies: Oh, what a tangled web we weave … when we let people maneuver us into tight corners and then lie to get out. What you need to do is fess up. Just say you really can’t afford it and were embarrassed to say so. This man who is your professional superior was out of line, by the way, to send you a link so you could buy him something (two somethings, to be precise). Kinda jerky. You did nothing wrong — except not playing it straight from the beginning. I suspect you will not find yourself in a similar situation again. — Margo, correctively
Child Etiquette
Dear Margo: We recently had a death in the family, and my husband and I are debating about whether or not to take our infant son, currently 11 months, to the services and the gathering afterward. What is the best way to handle this situation? If we do not take him, what do I say to those who are curious as to where my husband is? (My husband would stay with him, as the death was on my side of the family.) — Belinda
Dear Bel: I think it would be fine to take the baby, since he would have no idea what the occasion was, and it might cheer up some of the other mourners to see him. However, should he cry or holler during the service, I would suggest you walk out with him. Just as at a wedding, a crying child should not be allowed to interfere with guests wishing to hear what is being said. — Margo, sensibly
Time To Go
Dear Margo: I’m a 27-year-old woman trapped in a loveless marriage. My husband is younger than I am by a few years, and he’s very co-dependent. Before he started dating me, he had never had a girlfriend or a sexual encounter. I, on the other hand, came to the relationship with a child from a failed relationship and a whole lot of trust and fear issues from an abusive ex. Since we’ve been married, my husband has become verbally, sexually and, to a lesser degree, physically abusive, to the point of laying a hand on my 5-year-old-son. I threw him out for that, but caved to pressure from my family to take him back; they deem him a “stabilizing” force in my life. They think our relationship has caused me to “settle down” and be more responsible. But they do not grasp the abuse I suffered previously, and if I so much as mention that something frightens me, they tell me I’m lying about it for attention.
My husband has left for basic training with the army and will be gone for a few months. Although it’s only been two weeks, I feel freer, lighter and better able to cope with things. But if I leave him while he’s away at training, the social and family repercussions could be devastating, and my son and I may be forced to relocate. I’m so torn and afraid. I only went through with the wedding to please my family, as the abuse started just before the wedding. — A Canadian
Dear A: You are in that group, by no means a small number, who repeat a mistaken choice in partners. No one intends to hook up with two alcoholics or two abusers, but there is some attraction to that personality type. First, ignore your family. They sound not only ignorant on the subject of abuse, but also not terribly friendly in their suggestion that you are making this up for attention. Second, undo the marriage. If it’s problematic to leave him while he’s at basic training, wait until he returns. At least you’re living on your own. You are young, he is maladjusted, and marrying because of family pressure is the kiss of death. These things are better done sooner rather than later. I wish you good luck. — Margo, encouragingly
Strangely, It May Be Your Husband Who Needs Therapy
Dear Margo: My husband and I have been married for two years, together for seven. His daughter is 24. I suspect, given her behavior, that she has some form of bipolar disorder. (I would guess cyclothymia, the mild version). Examples: She changes her mind every eight to 12 weeks about boyfriends, friends, major and where she wants to live. We have moved her five times in the past year, we planned a wedding (and paid for it), and now we are dealing with her divorce less than three months after her marriage.
My husband has always said how good I am for her to talk to, and he thinks I am a great role model for her. The problem is that the drama is starting to stress me out, I can no longer talk to her about her troubles, and this bothers my husband more than her antics. We have always been completely together on things, but I feel I am watching a train wreck while my husband sees nothing wrong. His daughter is the only cause of tension in our marriage. Any suggestions for how to get through this? — Tense All the Time
Dear Tense: I do have a suggestion, actually. Make an appointment with a therapist, perhaps a couples counselor, and go with your husband. Lay out his daughter’s “changes of mind,” and let the therapist tell your husband what’s wrong with this picture. I do not know if her behavior (enabled by her father’s indulgence) is from a mood disorder, immaturity, being a spoiled brat or not being very smart. Your husband needs to understand what is going on, and also that his enabling these spur-of-the-moment changes is doing her no good and in addition could likely wreck his marriage. Over to you. — Margo, rationally
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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